Below are the 17 most recent journal entries recorded in darlingpsycho17's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, August 26th, 2008
3:08 am	(Comment on this)
Monday, June 25th, 2007
12:25 am	gah so...i started writing poems in...sophmore year, i believe. like, writing them for more than just schoolwork. it was lots of fun, took away lots of stress and emotional messups and things. it really helped me out a lot these past three years, because even if it was a horribly shitty poem, it would help me get over my stuff for a while. it was nice, and i have a nice collection of poems now. i was planning on making a book, several books, of them someday, and selling them and stuff, you know, being a poet for a living. not the total living, but for part of it anyways. :P and then it happened... i was thinking the other day about writing a poem. so i sat down and started writing one. ... nothing came out. NOTHING. usually, even if i have writers block, i can get at least a few lines before it hits. but nothing...i even tried writing alternate lyrics to a song, thats ALWAYS been easy because there's already a rhythm. but NOTHING. i realized i haven't written any poems in a long time. well, not that long really, but long compared to how long i've been writing poems, and how often i used to write them. used to get a few a week, at the least. i don't know how long its been, but at least one month. at the LEAST. its definitely more than that, though. maybe even a few months. blaaaaah. i hate not being able to write them. i could ALWAYS write them. i didn't even need inspiration half the time. BUT NOTHING!!!! i'm seriously going to go insane, what am i going to do? poetry was like, my fallback for life. i knew i could write, and even if its not like a fulltime job thing, it could be a side thing that would sustain my creative urges. like, writing a novel i'd love to do, but i don't know if i could actually finish one. writing poems is something i knew i could do...and now i can't...its like the only goal i had in life was wiped out by something, and i don't even know what it was wiped out by =( *sigh* Current Mood: sad (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 15th, 2007
2:25 pm	color personality test Carolyn took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Suffering from the effects of those things which a..." Click here to read the rest of the results. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 13th, 2007
6:05 pm	prom! and stuff. so, fun weekend. went to bens after school on friday, took the bus home, went to cumby's and got CANDY and then yeah. i forget what i did there, but i think it was fun. i'm actually there right now, well here, but yeah... then saturday, woo, woke up, showered, then went to go get ben, he spent a few hours at my house then we got ready for prom, ran late, had issues with my hair and finally went to prom after taking pictures at both my and his grandparents house. i don't like posing much. maybe i would if it was for modeling, because then it would be awesome...:P anyways, prom was fun even though i didn't really know anyone well enough to talk to them. spent the whole night with ben. fun. yeah. we went to the bowling alley afterwards, but they kicked us out because we didn't want to pay 16 dollars a person for like an hour and a half. this big black guy was yelling at us, it was fun. but ben was in the bathroom and missed it, the bum. we went to billiards after and played some pool, it was much cheaper there. then went back to bens house and spent the night, woo! apparently we watched most of night at the museum when we got there, but i must've fallen asleep because i only remembered watching a little bit of it. went out with my mom this morning, and dad and brother and stuff, for mothers day, actually had a CIVIL CONVERSATION! WOO! that like, never happens. back here now, kind of bored, not much to do. just realized i completely suck at video games. i shouldn't play anymore. and i hate losing, so it sucks when i play and ben always beats me. :P it sucks to be a perfectionist. anyways, don't want to go to school tomorrow...have to do psych flash cards tonight...fun..that'll take up a few hours...-.- *sigh* Current Mood: bored (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 9th, 2007
11:10 pm	so... hm. so, nothing new really recently, nothing hugely disastrous or anything that would make me realyl stressed or anything. but all the old stuff seems to be building up, and stuff i'd gotten over is coming back, and a few minor new things, but they all kind of tie in together and make it all hellish. not that its that bad, i always have to deal with that. but like...at the same time, i'm getting senioritis really badly. i'm so apathetic, its impossible to do homework earlier than last minute anymore, not even just because of procrastination, but like, i just can't make myself do it anymore. so much apathy with everything, gah! and that added to the stuff before, gives me a ton to think about. so...i keep drifting off in all my classes, and when i'm driving, and talking to people...even more than usual. i'll be thinking about stuff, and i just go off into it. i've nearly killed myself driving because of it. its like i can't even control what i'm thinking about, i just do it automatically. hope i don't actually kill myself with it. that would suck a little. :P mleh...suckiness. blah. doing badly in classes now because 1. i can't get myself to do the work or study or anything, which by the way made me probably fail an english test today, didn't study at all, and 2. i keep drifting off so i miss half the notes, and waste a ton of time during tests and stuff. hope it goes away, college will suck otherwise. on a good note, all the stuff to think about is giving me major poetic inspiration at the moment, which is AMAZING after months of almost no inspiration at all, which means no new poems. dunno if it'll be gone tomorrow or not, hope its not, but if it is, at least i wrote a few poems tonight. not sharing them, they're more purely emotional, exactly what i feel and not meant to be read. Current Mood: apathetic (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 8th, 2007
3:08 pm	death... had me one of those near death experiences today. kinda cool actually, everyone always has stories like that to tell, i never do. anyways, so we were driving home, and one of those huge trucks pulls out in front, not an 18 wheeler, maybe half that, but still a huge cab. i guess it either didn't see us, or thought it had enough time to get in front of us, or whatever. but yeah so it ended up screeching the brakes as my grandmother swerved violently around it, and we ended up missing it by inches. inches. like, i could see it RIGHT THERE next to me, it was so close i could've touched it if my window had been open. and even though it was putting the brakes on it was still going fast and powerful, no way of stopping, if we hadn't swerved enough or if it hadn't braked enough, or one tiny thing had been different, it would've plowed into that side of the car and killed me instantly. or at least seriously wounded me, but definitely a lot of damage. it was scary, but i do like the adrenaline. <3 it made me realize how boring my life is. i've never done the typical teenage rebellion before, skipping classes or anything. it sucks, i need to go do stuff! i must rebel before its too late. all i've ever done is small stuff almost everyone does. bah. Current Mood: grr (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 6th, 2007
11:56 pm	poems I feel something inside my head A voice that's calling me It pulls a fantasy that's real Up to what I can see Although sometimes it hurts a lot The happiness is there It makes me want to love someone To love and truly care And everything that's felt inside Can show things that matter No superficial memories No untruths that flatter I love to love someone that shows A sense of what is real Someone who knows how I can care And how to make me feel Someone that knows I sometimes cry And feel like I am bound To honesty that lies and cheats And pulls me to the ground I'd love to love a love that's real And always have someone Until the time I die I'd like To have a little fun Lost in a shadow with nowhere to run No one to help you get by No one is there, you have lost everyone Sometimes you just wonder why There is a concept of friendship and love You're never truly alone And at the lowest seek help from above Find a solution that's known Memories helping to comfort and calm Think of good friends that are gone Held in your hands anchored tight to your palm Held in your heart until dawn The chaos caused, confusion all We're stuck inside a red brick wall The firemen, they seem to know But what it is, they will not show Is it a fire, or something else? A leak that takes away your pulse? Everyone talks, there's so much noise Like toddlers playing with their toys I want to know what's going on I want to know I'll face the dawn Maybe we'll get to go home soon And not go to class after noon You really think you know me Yet you never see me cry Have you ever heard me scream? Or say I think that I should die? Do you ever see the pain Reflected behind my own eyes? Have you ever watched me wave As I tried to say my goodbyes? Have you ever seen me fall Like I do most every day? Whether physical or not Each fall makes my world more gray Lying cold, lying dry I've got something in my eye Not a tear, not the pain Maybe something in the rain I feel lost, I feel scared Sometimes wish that someone cared Run away, never hide Never find out that you lied See the knife, see the rain See the way I calm the pain Sense the hope, as its lost Can't be found for a small cost Hope I die, life is sad Everything just makes me mad Life's a waste, life should die Everything that makes me cry Time to go, time to die Before I can say goodbye It showed a sigh, but not a grin The haunting that came from within The worrying, the anger mild The concern for a future child So hard to stay, and not to run She woke up almost everyone The wings were bare, the feathers stripped Flying down into a crypt The time is lost, the time is now And yet they sometimes wonder how She searches wide, she searches low Gets interrupted by the flow The day is done, or rather spent Not ever knowing what is meant We never know Just where we're led And all the lies Still kill the dead We try to run We try to hide But never show The pain inside We breathe to live And live to die But while we live We tend to cry So death might be The better choice The thing that haunts The inner voice And while we stand And try to fight It keeps us screaming Through the night It seems like there Is no way out We never know What it's about And while we die Just to survive Maybe it makes us Feel alive yay, found seven decent poems. could've found more, didn't want to crowd the post. haven't written any of those in a while, haven't written any poems in months, the last one was that third one, it was when at st. b's we had a fire drill-ish except the library was fire, and we were all in the auditorium and confused and didn't know what the hell was going on. since then, and a while before that too, every time i get a poem inspiration i start writing, then draw a blank. fucking writers block. i hate it when i'm like this with poems, i can't get any of my emotions out like i usually do. grr. i hope it goes away soon, i like writing poems. Current Mood: annoyed (Comment on this)
11:35 pm	play! just finished our play, "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown" friday and saturday. the dress rehearsal was thursday, man that sucked, but true to drama superstition, the play was good after the sucky dress rehearsal. everyone liked it, in any case. a bunch of people went both nights, which hasn't really happened before at st. b's. i think its because we had mics, so everyone could actually be heard! kerry was sick saturday, that kind of sucked, but she managed to rock the show and not even sound sick at all. she sounded horrible offstage, but onstage you couldn't tell at all. damn though, i messed up so bad. i was supposed to go up to paul (charlie brown) and say "charlie brown, is lucy going to pitch again? because if she is, i quit! do you know what she does? blah blah blah, calls me to the mound, and she kisses me on the nose!" (i was schroeder, by the way). and i accidentally called him paul. "pau...charlie brown, is lucy" and yeah. we both couldn't stop laughing. which sucked because shroeder is supposed to be serious. and i was supposed to be pissed off there too. and then during glee club rehearsal, i was supposed to yell quiet, and was like "stop that...QUIET!" which wasn't a bad mistake, but after the paul brown incident i started laughing again, which messed up my lines after that, and during the whole song i was laughing, which wasn't bad since i didn't face the audience, but it made a bunch of the people i was directing laugh, and they were facing the audience. ah well, i'll never forget the show for that. cast party was awesome, we talked about the show for a bit then danced for hours, gradually sitting down towards one in the morning, being tired out. me and eve rocked out belly dancing. i guess i can kind of do a bunch of the things you do in belly dancing, stephanie said i could kinda do the shakira thing, so maybe if i practice i could be a belly dancer! yay! everyone wrote on each others legs, so kerry came into the senior recital today with writing all over her legs, seen through her nylons. hehe. speaking of which, i didn't do that badly, only messed up once, no one really noticed. lots of people were whispering about how i was playing it from memory, and not reading music, i guess one old couple even asked my parents if i was going into music in college... went prom dress shopping yesterday, got an awesome dress. it looks almost like a wedding dress, i'll put up some pictures here. i love the lacing in the back, it makes it pull tight so you can see my figure ^^ and then...i got the gloves for it too, and other accessories, and..and...i love shopping for prom, i wish i'd been going out with ben last year so i would've gone to prom. and yes, i know they aren't very good pose pictures, i was just taking them to show ben what the dress looked like. i'll have better pics after prom, when my hairs up and everything, and just everything is done. i'll be posting some poems in a bit too, once i can find some decent ones. just so you know. also, random, i wish i had bigger boobs. :P that dress would look much nicer. Current Mood: apathetic (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 22nd, 2007
11:59 pm	so... man. so like...most of my friends are really smart. all of the juniors i know are in honors classes, and matt and ben graduated last year high in their class, and stuff. i've taken honors classes...i've gotten good grades before...but at the moment, i haven't been taking high classes much recently, and i'm not getting the best grades. except in art classes, but...its art. i know i'm capable of getting better grades. i know i'm smart, like i even scored 130 on the iq test, 130+ is supposed to be gifted, whereas below that is average and stuff. i'm just a procrastinator, lazy, all that, i wouldn't want to do the work for honors classes, heh, i'm even saving my psych flash cards till school tomorrow when i had a week of vacation to do them in. so i am capable and stuff, i just don't do it. the only thing is....especially when i'm around friends that are talking about their classes, or things they learned that i never learned being in lower classes, or like when i was just talking to ben about how he was happy he got awards and stuff at graduation last year...it makes me feel really stupid. i know i'm not going to get any awards or anything, i didn't get great grades in the classes they give awards in, and i don't have any special qualities that would make me get a book award. and just...idunno, being around these smart people makes me feel really dumb. i know i'm artistic and stuff, but...i know artistic people that get good grades too. most of the good artistic people i know do, actually. and i'm not that good at art. i'm a decent artist, decent singer, decent writer, decent actor...but i don't excel at anything. i want to excel at something. i envy people that are really, really good at one thing, or even a few things. i have a bunch of things i'm average in, nothing that i'm anything special in. blaaahhhh. well, i'll stop being emo now. but i have to throw in a good emo picture before i go. hehe...i do like my emo boys. anyways. can't find any other emo glitter pictures. ah well. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, April 20th, 2007
11:15 pm	ever heard of andy warhol? he had some interesting paintings, i decided to copy his style-ish. yeah, i was bored. second one's not really his style...same idea, strange colors though. i figured i needed something more than just blue...:P Current Mood: artistic (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 18th, 2007
10:15 pm	yay! it does, it didn't when i last used livejournal. more prettiness wow, the pony totally doesn't belong. oh well. Current Mood: happy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
10:13 pm	seeing if putting images in actually works. Current Mood: hyper (Comment on this)
2:18 am	yay! i'm such a geek. spent a while earlier downloading tons of game music, from games such as yoshi's island, final fantasy, and zelda. i do love my old video games. final fantasy = <3 and, of course, yoshi's island. the opening song...^___^ mmkay. so got good stuff there. still need to find a good midi-mp3 converter thats free and ISN'T JUST A 60 SECOND TRIAL THING. if its a trial i'd like it to be one of those "14 days" things. whatever. so...ben's still going to bed late...i've gotten tired of trying to get him to do it earlier so i said i wasn't going to anymore, and like...gah.  verruckteliebe17 (2:02:53 AM): aren't you going to bed? Legoboy1 (2:03:12 AM): Yep. In just a second. :P verruckteliebe17 (2:12:35 AM): :P Legoboy1 (2:12:49 AM): >_> Legoboy1 (2:12:50 AM): <_< verruckteliebe17 (2:13:11 AM): doesn't bother me, i'm not going to try to make you go to bed early anymore. i gave up on that. Legoboy1 (2:13:35 AM): I'm glad it doesn't bother you. =] verruckteliebe17 (2:13:39 AM): -.- Legoboy1 (2:14:18 AM): Well, really. I hate it when something I was doing ran late, like an instance, or I get caught up on something and wind up going to bed late, and it'd upset you. =/ verruckteliebe17 (2:14:47 AM): i still don't like it, i'm just not going to try to make you go to bed anymore. Legoboy1 (2:15:04 AM): Okay. verruckteliebe17 (2:15:24 AM): i figure they're your grades, not mine. Legoboy1 (2:15:47 AM): Mhm. iunno if he'll read this or anything...>.> but anyways. so..blah. he just didn't really get what i was getting at, i was subtly trying to say that i was tired of fighting with him over something for his own good, and usually he gets those hints but ah well :P pfsht. me? nonconfrontational? no way. you mean like someone who doesn't say how she feels right out there and talks the problem over, gets it done with right there? me? like someone who blogs about things she's having issues with, so either the person in question will read said blog and resolve it with her or it'll just sit there rotting away? you think i do stuff like that? no way. ;P hehehe. Current Mood: seesaw between happy/depressed (Comment on this)
Monday, April 16th, 2007
1:26 am	oh dear god. gah. just...gah. i'm talking to ben about some stuff. like, how he's failing two classes this semester. telling him stuff like how he needs a better sleep schedule, needs better habits to make it in life, all that crap. just realized i sound exactly like my dad does when he talks to me about things. i don't want to be my parents. gah. why can you give advice while not following it >.< Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 14th, 2007
10:54 pm	lalalabored. so, just got back from Clue at uconn. had to be a cop in it, they were short on people for the end where a bunch of cops come out, so me raegan and some other random girl neither of us knew were cops for that. yeeeup, highschool seniors in a college play. w00t! eric told ben he had to go to the cast party, he hated people in casts that didn't go to the cast party, he's there now. he also told me i could go if i wanted to, because technically i was in the cast. sadly, my parents were there to pick me up and as ben said, they probably wouldn't have let me go anyways. although i brought it up and they said nothing about me not going because it was a college party, it was more because it was "late" (yeah, 9:30. real late.) and they were already there and stuff. maybe they think drama geeks aren't as bad as normal college kids. pfsht. they should see what we talk about. i'm glad i didn't go though, i would've been so uncomfortable. i like cast parties, but when i know the people there. only knowing ben...he can do that sort of thing, but i'm antisocial. i might've ended up talking to raegan if she went, and maybe jordan, the evangelist, iunno, i talked to him a bit about what we cops had to do and stuff, but other than that if no one talked to me i wouldn't talk to them. i wish i was more social. then again, even if i'd known the people there, i might not have had a good time. i've never really been a party person, parties are fun but i usually end up getting depressed because i see everyone having a good time, mingling, doing stuff. i'm not a mingler. :P i never end up doing much stuff like that at parties, like at eve's party i was with ben the whole time. i felt guilty because he didn't hang out with anyone else he knew, but it was his choice. but yeah, i shouldn't get depressed over not having as good a time as other people, or not being a party person. i mean, its my choice whether i mingle or not. so what if i'm not comfortable with it? if i'm not, then maybe i just shouldn't go to parties. or at least not be a party pooper. well,  ish. not really a party pooper, but the emo kid that sits in the corner not getting involved, or goes and randomly stands outside in the rain with her boyfriend. ah well. i'm me. sadly, "you're a good man charlie brown" probably won't have a cast party. none of the usual people that throw cast parties are in the play, and the people that might consider throwing one *coughraquelcough* would have horrible parties. her parents would make us go to bed at like nine. i totally wouldn't go to that. ew. but yeah, so some parties i like. i liked the overnight cast party for "looking glass land". course, ben was there. but yeah we did fun stuff, raegan's house is so awesome. blah. i'm rambling now. i'm just bored, i guess. Current Mood: bored Current Music: jem- they (Comment on this)
Friday, April 13th, 2007
12:27 am	goddammit so, i just posted a rant about stupid people who pretend to have problems to get attention. yet i fall under that category as well. maybe a different type, not as bad, but still. so, here it is. i get depressed and stuff, i even think i'm bipolar. i'm always ranting about it to my friends, maybe not ranting but talking to them about it, taking up their time. talking never really helps, so what's the point in doing it? my point is, i was just talking to someone about a problem they had. they knew someone who had clinical depression, cut themselves, wasn't even aware of doing it until afterwards, and was having marriage problems, among other things. i'm not going into any detail here, or anything. but...the thing is, compared to this, my baggage is nothing. i think i have stress? i bitch about my parents and everything else. nothing that really matters. other people, many people most likely, have problems like these. serious problems. yet i burden people with my "problems?" its horrible. he has enough stuff to deal with as it is, without my stuff as well. i've thought about it before. i really wish i could just keep it all to myself, not tell anyone. they have enough to deal with. but i've never managed to keep it hidden. why can't i? they don't deserve to hear it. maybe everyone has to deal with a little something, this is just my something. i actually did try getting some help for it, but that never went any farther than a message online. but the thing is, its not big enough to warrent help. its not something uncontrollable, or anything. yeah, there are tons of little things that all build up together, but individually they're nothing. i shouldn't look at them as a whole, but rather individually. another thing that irks me. i take delight in teasing, manipulating people. because it's fun. :P but they have these things they're dealing with, and i'm just making it harder for them to not break down. i'm a horrible person. really. i want to, feel like crying about this, but gah! its the same thing. its not worth crying about. it's not a real problem. i wish i was different. why is there so much pain in this world, anyways. Current Mood: depressed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 12th, 2007
11:26 pm	meh first post. yeah. interesting, huh. i've had a few live journals, greater journals, myspace blogs. no one ever really commented, so i never kept them up. i no longer care about comments, i'm not a comment whore. even if they're nice, i won't bullshit and be all "omg plz comment!!! i luv u!" those people are retarted. anyways, so. the purpose of this journal is to let out stress, mainly. i probably won't link anyone i know to it, unless they ask, meh. and i doubt anyone i don't know will read it or anything. so its more of a thing to vent on, since i don't like writing by hand so i don't often write in my real journal. writing = <3, though. so...hmm...ok, so todays rant was on aim icons. you know how you search for icons, looking for a decent one, maybe with a message, or just a moving picture? you find tons of still ones. boring. booooring. go to iconater.com and animate your icons at least, if you don't have any sort of program. that's what i do. even if you suck at artsy things like that, it'll make a halfway decent icon that's at least INTERESTING. you find tons of mispelled words. ok, internet slang is popular, i know, everyone uses "u" and "dont", they leave out letters and apostrophe's. may be annoying to us edumacated people, but whatev, its faster, right? ok, your choice. i know everyone uses lol, rotf, everything. its a fad. my disusage of capital letters probably annoys people too. ok, i'm cool with internet slang. but when you start mispelling words on icons, like whispering to wispering, not to save space or anything, is it to be "cool" or because you're a dumbass and have no idea how to spell? i saw an icon like that today. ok, so maybe they made a mistake. they would have seen it when previewing the icon before putting it online, wouldn't they? so it must be one of the other choices. what a smart world we live in. hmm, what else. oh yeah! wemo icons. "i cut myself because of you </3" "i wear long sleeves to hide these scars" why do you want everyone on your fucking buddy list to know? ok, so even if you do have that kind of problem, you might tell a few trusted friends. not five hundred people. and even if your only friends are ones you tell, why broadcast it? they already know. no need to act "cool" and let everyone know how you're so cool because you hurt yourself. there are people with these real problems, they have to deal with it, and you're out there imitating it as a fad. why is being emo so popular? aren't emos the ones that are unpopular? go figure. and then there are the... "see these tears? your fault." "i cry myself to sleep." well whoop de doo for you. thanks for letting us know how emotional you are, we really wanted to know. if you want a depressing icon, find one with taste and originality rather than the stupid, meaningless cliche lines. yeah, i've had icons like that before. they weren't meaningless lines of text, they were pictures! ooh! pretty! attention catching. interesting. lines of text are for interesting quotes, things people actually want to read. no one wants to read about how you cry all the time, how much of a fucking pussy you are. you have friends to vent to about things like that. they know what you're talking about, they don't need icon verification.   mmkay. that about covers my icon rant. oh, so yeah. there are exceptions to all of these, of course. there are always exceptions. for example, i like depressing icons, but i don't like ones like i just mentioned above. but i like dark colors, and blues, so if i saw one that was colored to my liking, i might consider using it for that purpose. or just make my own with the same colors and a better quote. :P but yeah. exceptions are nice.   i'm just against the general fucked up population that thinks its cool to pretend you have problems and to broadcast the minor things you should keep to yourself/close friends. Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)